Communication is difficult, sometimes also with oneself. What you allow yourself to remember, force yourself to push aside and forget, and what you desire or hope others know or see in you. It is hard to be sensitive, so aware of every little painful moment, and then also open to accepting awareness...Memories shape us, strengthen, burden, sometimes consume us, and it takes dramatic moments to allow them to surface and enter our conscious minds.
Well anyway, I had an accident just a little over a week ago. I knocked my car over and was sent by ambulance to the trauma center at Mission Hospital in San Francisco. It was dark and wet, and I wasn't wearing my glasses and had a couple drinks and I was unable to see the divide and giant mound of mud and concrete separating the two lanes. My little VW wan't going fast but it couldn't handle the impact on its old wheels and it just lost control. So what happened, after the chaos of the event, was I got very down about my life and myself. And I felt very out of it, from the painkillers and from the losses. But I was physically ok. I climbed out of the car after all (which I hardly remember) and shuffled around the trauma center nosing in on groaning men next door that night. My body was fine and I returned merely feeling numb and cold to my home, and a cat piss covered bed. After laundry I found an old notebook and filled its thin pages with writing and sketches. I found that instead of talking straight up about the accident, I was writing about a past relationship. I had been feeling down later that night, when I was left alone, and it brought back these memories that I could hardly manage to assimilate after all that time. They just were stewing in the back of my head(heart) for so long. The writing is mostly a description of the accident, while the sketches are more insight into the relationship. Both, I hope, connect and address a deeper issue at hand. With this notebook of art I was able to process some residual emotional baggage, and found relief and some repose after a series of unfortunate events. Here are a few more of the sketches below. (I might make a separate webpage for the set of sketches soon...)